The Power in Change

Aug 23rd, 2012 by Amie

Last Sunday marked the three-year anniversary of my Mom’s death.  As with many milestones in my life, the anticipation was much more intense than the actual day.  This year I found myself focused on doing two seemingly contradictory things:  focusing on staying the course (with everything – my plans for the year, career priorities, excercise schedule, whatever) and also letting go (of the past, of the grief, of the irrational hope that she would come back, to name a few things).

But when I think about what it means to stay the course and to let go, two words come to mind that merge these otherwise very different concepts:

Moving On.

And it’s the right time of year for that, too. The end of summer (I can’t be the only mom/parent embarassingly delighted that her kids are back in school, right??), start of the academic year, business retreats, conventions, and the like – all fill my fall calendar.  Moving on.  

I also take the opportunity at this time of year to clean out closets, move furniture around, re-arrange our household processes, and generally improve anything that can be improved.  Moving on.

There is power in this annual routine for me. (It’s like spring cleaning, only later.) It is the power to embrace and leverage the engergy surrounding change in my life.  Change means many things – for me, though, it consistently brings a boost of activity, focus and productivity.

So how do I apply that benefit to my grief?  How can I allow the power of change to help transform me, even as I recognition of the years that are passing by -adding ticks to the lapse in time “after Mom died.”  (I am very aware that one day, we will mark certain family events based on the years it’s been since she left us.  I don’t do it yet – I can’t – but it’s coming.)  I am not sure, but I think it is by moving on. Choosing to live. To let go; to acnowledge that it is ok that the time is passing, it is ok to let some things go.  Whether those things are belongings or stages of grief, it is ok and even healthy to release them– when the time is right and not before.

I have new friends that I’ve met since she died.  My son learned to ride a bike; my daughter started preschool.  Mom’s not here for any of those watershed moments.  But we are moving on – living in the moment – letting go of the past and setting our sights on tomorrow.  I know that she would want it that way.

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How to Have it All

Jul 30th, 2012 by Amie

Friends:  this is a re-post of Gail Blanke’s “Monday Morning Motivator” from July 30, 2012.  Gail is a gifted motivational speaker and coach, and all-around wise woman.  I received this from her today, and thought she articulated what I have been thinking for some time now.  With Gail’s permission, I have re-posted her message.  Enjoy!

YOU CAN HAVE IT ALL – IF YOU DON’T MIND THE MESS

I agree wholeheartedly with the words of the brilliant, insightful, delightful and much loved Nora Ephron in her 1996 commencement speech at Wellesley College - delivered, by the way, 16 years before Anne-Marie Slaughter’s incendiary piece in the July/August Atlantic, following her recent departure from her “dream job” at the State Department. In it she declares unequivocally, that ”having it all” - just ain’t in the cards. At least not this lifetime…

But Ephron told those lucky graduating seniors: “This is the season when a clutch of successful women—who have it all—give speeches to women like you and say, to be perfectly honest, you can’t have it all. Maybe young women don’t wonder whether they can have it all any longer, but in case any of you are wondering, of course you can have it all. What are you going to do? Everything, is my guess. It will be a little messy, but embrace the mess. It will be complicated, but rejoice in the complications. It will not be anything like what you think it will be like, but surprises are good for you. And don’t be frightened. You can always change your mind. I know: I’ve had four careers and three husbands.”

Notice that Ephron didn’t say you can have “work/life balance” – whatever that is. And she didn’t say that you’d be satisfied or fulfilled or relaxed or assured that you were doing the “right thing” – whatever that is - every minute. She said it would be messy, complicated and surprising. (I like to compare it to a ride on Disney’s “Space Mountain” – you never know when you’re going to shoot up a zillion feet or plunge down a zillion more. How could you, you’re completely in the dark! (And just think, you stood in line and paid to go on that wild ride.)  No, she told us to “embrace the mess.” It’s supposed to be messy – not neat and tidy, not predictable, not all laid out and stacked like freshly laundered clothes. Being a visionary is messy, standing for your dream is messy, leaping forward rather than shrinking back is messy, having kids is messy, loving…is messy. 

She told us to “rejoice in the complications” and welcome “the surprises” - the inability to see the outcome, the angst that comes with a new twist, a wrong turn, a dumb idea. She exhorts us not to be frightened…because, as she energetically proved in her own life, nothing is irrevocable. You can always change your mind. And then change it again. 

So the question is, what’s your “all?” Your vision of “good?” Not somebody else’s. Figure it out. Go get it. And enjoy the mess…it’s part of the deal. Hear that, Anne-Marie?

 Love to hear your point of view…

 Gail Blanke’s Lifedesigns©2012 All Rights Reserved.  Re-printed at www.findyourequilibrium.com with permission from the author.  For Monday Morning Motivators you may have missed, or information on coaching, motivational speaking and corporate workshops, please visit www.throwoutfiftythings.com

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Living Now

Jul 20th, 2012 by Amie

In a recent issue of Oprah Magazine, Oprah interviewed Deepak Chopra.  It was an interesting article, but one exchange stood out for me more than the rest.  Both Oprah and Mr.Chopra had traveled extensively just before the interview, which was conducted in India. When Oprah and Mr. Chopra met up for their talk, Oprah asked him how he was feeling. He responded that he was doing quite well.  She expected him to say he was exhausted. But Mr. Chopra has learned the lesson that eludes so many of us (and about which I feel drawn to write extensively – maybe I am trying to teach myself). We can only give what we have. So he had rested, done yoga, and meditated after arriving  in India and before meeting with Oprah.

He knew that he had to fill the pitcher first, before he could fill another’s glass. We have so many metaphors, and it all boils down to this:  we MUST care for ourselves to live the lives we were intended to live, to be the best version of ourselves.  For me, that means sleep, clean eating, yoga, spinning, meditation, prayer, journaling, and vitamins.  Consistently.  It might mean something different for you.  (But all of us need sleep…and good food, and exercise.)

Yet there is more.  We also need each other.

We need each other for the day – to – day journey.  The ups and downs of family life, career, finances, politics.  The PTA.  To help us decide what movies we should let our children watch, and what age is old enough to have an email account, or a mobile phone.

And then, the day will come. When we need each other for more.  Whether a parent or a friend, there will be care giving duties that we will shoulder.  And all of the yoga will pay off; the consistent balance and self-care. Because you’ll be ready for the call.  You’ll do better during the hospital stays when workouts are not possible; when “good food” means take out brought to your loved one’s chemo treatment room.  You’ll be stronger for that leg of the journey.

Along the way, in addition to taking care of ourselves, we also need to cultivate our knowledge of one another.  Which mannerisms are distinctly Mom’s? Which ones are from “her side of the family?”  How does she hold her teacup, what crossword puzzle answers always stump her?  Because the day also will come when you will need your strength to summon those memories. I’ve found that the mannerisms I have – that originated from my Mom – are now “mine.”  No one says anymore, “You look just like your Mom when you do that,” or “the way you said that word reminds me of your Mom.”  They say that she would be proud of me and proud of my family, yet the day-to-day details have been absorbed into the person I am.  It is up to me to continue to be able to recall the distinctions.  How do we prepare for this?  By living in the moment.  Finding insights in ordinary things.  Noticing the details, the mannerisms, the unique aspects of those we care for – and committing them to memory.

These are the ways to get more out of whatever time we have together, whether its 8 months or 80 years. Live now.

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A How-to Guide for Living in the Moment

Jun 3rd, 2012 by Amie

This is my new favorite blog:  http://www.handsfreemama.com/.  Great writing, thoughts, and practical ideas on how to live in the moment, how to seize life, and how to keep LIVING even if you’ve lost someone you love deeply.  This blog specifically addresses parenting issues, although it also contains posts on relationships with your own parents. Read on!

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Trust the Bike

Apr 24th, 2012 by Amie

Although I’ve been attending indoor cycling classes for some time, every class seems to teach me something new about myself.  Truly, it’s almost a religious experience for me.

Lately, I’ve learned that the power in your ride comes from your legs, not your feet. As you cycle, your feet are just along for the ride.  Maybe I am learning that because I am getting stronger, I don’t know.  A part of that change has caused me to “run” or “jog” more than “bike” when I am out of the saddle.  This means that I am “pulling” as much as I am ”pushing” on the pedals.  That movement requires me to trust the clips, trust the pedals, trust my shoes, and trust the bike.  To hold me up.  Not to fall.  To keep me going.  To keep me healthy.  To keep me sane.

And so, that quickly becomes a metaphor for life.  ‘Trust the bike’ is my new mantra.  Meaning, get your life together, secure your network, your support system, your personal “board of directors,” your faith, your perspective, your hope and optimism.  And then … just ride.

The ride will have hills and valleys.  Jumps and sprints, and sometimes, lots of boring flat road.  You will push and recover.  You might even want to quit.

But the bike is there.  And I have to trust it.  To trust my network, my family, my friends.  And myself.  They will hold me up.  I will not fall.

All of this trust means, of course, that I have to do my part. Show up.  Participate. Give it my all, 100%, every single time.  Stay committed.  Keep moving my legs and breathing and keep my shoulders relaxed and move and move and move even when I want to leave the room. Even when I hate the song, or the instructor is uninspiring, or feel like the slowest person in the room. I have to stay FOCUSED.  It’s me and the bike, and that’s it.

On the days I do my part, the bike is there.  And even on the days I don’t, it’s still there, waiting for me.  Waiting to hold me up, keep me going, and let me ride.

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Medical-Legal Partnerships – Best Practices for Holistic Care

Mar 26th, 2012 by Amie

I spoke today at a conference in San Antonio, “Medical-Legal Partnership:  Innovative Solutions for a Healthier Community” held by the National Center for Medical Legal Partnerships.  The panel in which I participated was called “Medical-Legal Advocacy and the Palliative Care Team.”  We spoke to physicians, lawyers and  paralegals about the Medical-Legal Partnership (MLP)  model, and how it can be a way to  provide more well-rounded care to patients. 

One of our physician panelists made the point that patient treatment plans are directly influenced by the patient’s life circumstances.  For example, if the patient has no means of transportation, she will not be able to be at appointnments for daily radiation treatments scheduled for delivery at the hospital.  So a treatment plan that takes into account all aspects of a patient’s life is not only helpful, it is crucial to ensuring the best possible outcomes.  As one physician panelist recalled, one patient told her that  ”cancer is the least of my problems.”

Additional training for everyone involved in patient encounters will help identify relevant issues.  Does the  patient have family support or challenges?  Transportation?  Child care or guardianship issues? Financial or insurance-related concerns? The list is long, but it can be managed.  Likewise, lawyers involved in MLPs must be trained not only in the legal work they provide for patient/clients, but also in being sensitive to the needs of the population they are serving.  

MLPs can be a path toward providing the best, most well-rounded care for patients.  MLPs are a model to emulate.

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Casseroles, Cookies and Caregiving

Mar 3rd, 2012 by Amie

You can tell whenone of my friends has delivered either very good news (she had a baby!) or very bad news (a death in the family) because you’ll find me in my kitchen at 6 am on Saturday. Cooking.

Cooking for other people is how I process major, life-altering news.  Making Italian meat sauce for lasagne means chopping lots of onions.  What better excuse to cry through a methodical task, considering the deeper issues of life and death?  Stirring batter, grating cheese, making the recipes I know so well….these tasks feel nurturing, while allowing me to do something in a situation that feels helpless. 

So, I start at 6 am and generally cook all weekend.  My family benefits, because I’ll make two of whatever is on my list.

The real gift in all of this, though, is when the friend accepts my help.  I don’t need to come in, to visit, to chat.  I just need to give.  And it’s a joy when the person or family that is in such pain allows me to do so.

When my Mom was ill and then died, my girlfriends filled my deep freeze with meal after meal….week after week.  It was a true blessing.

How do you help your friends?  Do you allow them to help you?

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A Tribute

Feb 14th, 2012 by Amie

A friend and colleague, Nancy Myrland, lost her mom in January.  She runs a (fantastic) marketing blog, and is very active on social media.  But she found herself unable to write since her mom’s passing, because she needed to do what all good marketing professionals do – she needed to tell her mom’s story.  Here it is.

A Tribute to Nancy's Mom

Nancy's Mommy, Easter, 2009

It is beautiful and heartfelt, and a reminder that we are more than what we do, more than our careers, more even than our spouses and our children;  we are daughters and sons, we are caretakers, we are memory makers and treasure keepers.  Thank you, Nancy, for sharing this story and blending your professional life with your personal one so eloquently.  After all, what better way to be authentic, and true to yourself?

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Can Wall-E’s Transformation Be Yours?

Feb 9th, 2012 by Amie

I have children, which means that Disney / Pixar movies are a part of my familiy life, almost by definition. The other day, when we were watching Wall-E for the (100th?) time, I watched again how Wall-E compresses, carries and stacks the little cubes of trash on an uninhabited Earth.  But that’s what Wall-E was trained to do, what he is good at, and what he knows. So, effective or not, he continues.

Now, Wall-E happens to meet the robot of his dreams doing this, and the rest is history.  But that is not always what happens to us.

How often do we continue repeating old habits, behaviors, sayings, criticisms, and beliefs just because we have always done it that way?  Because we know how? Because, even if it’s ineffective, or even hurtful, it feels familiar?

When Wall-E meets Eva, he quits collecting trash and focuses on her. Even Wall-E knew when it was time to take a minute, take stock, and take time to transform his (albeit mechanical) life.

As parents, businesspeople, and caregivers, sometimes we must take a minute, take stock, and take time to transform.  When something is no longer working, when the habit or belief or behavior no longer serves us, it’s time to change.  Change is not easy and sometimes it is slow, but it is always possible.

Like Wall-E, we might find that there is a whole new world waiting for us.

How have you been challenged to transform? What did you do about it?  Share your thoughts.  2012 is a year of transfomation!

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A Habit of Self-Care

Nov 14th, 2011 by Amie

Wow. Where has this year gone?  It’s nearly Thanksgiving.  Somehow I fell like I just put away Easter decorations.

So as we launch into the holidays and the accompanying stress, remember to continue to do the things that work for you in terms of self – care.  It is important to stay faithful to those practices year-round, and especially during the holidays.

The holiday season can be even harder for caregivers.  There are the logistics that may be more challenging, and there may also be emotional pressures to make the holiday season “extra special,” particularly if the parent for whom you are caring has a terminal illness.  I will blog more on that issue later. First, though, make sure you remember to focus on you.

It’s so easy to lose sight of the things that work.  Is your past full of self-care strategies that worked for a while, and then stopped working (a diet, daily affirmations, prayer, yoga, running, you name it)?  Did they stop working because you kept at it faithfully, or did you stop dieting/stating your affirmations/praying/practicing yoga/going on a daily run?

For me, when these types of efforts fall short, it’s because I’ve stopped.  I’ll get caught up in the stress ofthe day to day “busy-ness” of the “business” I need to be doing – whether for my clients, my firm, my volunteer efforts, my family, my children….oh, and groceries, the dog…..  And then I beging to think that this collective to-do list has become more important than the practice I was trying to turn into a habit of self-care.  (Wouldn’t that be great – to be SO GOOD at taking care of yourself that it could be called a “habit”)???

It turns out I am not the only one.  Local author Darby Rae recently blogged about a similar issue involving daily affirmations.  She lists time-honored tips in this post about using affirmations to create the future of your dreams.  It is a fantastic reminder of the method of affirming your goals that works.

So, while you make your holiday preparations, take time for you. Before all of the “busy-ness” takes over.

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