Nancy's Mommy, Easter, 2009

It is beautiful and heartfelt, and a reminder that we are more than what we do, more than our careers, more even than our spouses and our children;  we are daughters and sons, we are caretakers, we are memory makers and treasure keepers.  Thank you, Nancy, for sharing this story and blending your professional life with your personal one so eloquently.  After all, what better way to be authentic, and true to yourself?

Now, Wall-E happens to meet the robot of his dreams doing this, and the rest is history.  But that is not always what happens to us.

How often do we continue repeating old habits, behaviors, sayings, criticisms, and beliefs just because we have always done it that way?  Because we know how? Because, even if it’s ineffective, or even hurtful, it feels familiar?

When Wall-E meets Eva, he quits collecting trash and focuses on her. Even Wall-E knew when it was time to take a minute, take stock, and take time to transform his (albeit mechanical) life.

As parents, businesspeople, and caregivers, sometimes we must take a minute, take stock, and take time to transform.  When something is no longer working, when the habit or belief or behavior no longer serves us, it’s time to change.  Change is not easy and sometimes it is slow, but it is always possible.

Like Wall-E, we might find that there is a whole new world waiting for us.

How have you been challenged to transform? What did you do about it?  Share your thoughts.  2012 is a year of transfomation!

So as we launch into the holidays and the accompanying stress, remember to continue to do the things that work for you in terms of self – care.  It is important to stay faithful to those practices year-round, and especially during the holidays.

The holiday season can be even harder for caregivers.  There are the logistics that may be more challenging, and there may also be emotional pressures to make the holiday season “extra special,” particularly if the parent for whom you are caring has a terminal illness.  I will blog more on that issue later. First, though, make sure you remember to focus on you.

It’s so easy to lose sight of the things that work.  Is your past full of self-care strategies that worked for a while, and then stopped working (a diet, daily affirmations, prayer, yoga, running, you name it)?  Did they stop working because you kept at it faithfully, or did you stop dieting/stating your affirmations/praying/practicing yoga/going on a daily run?

For me, when these types of efforts fall short, it’s because I’ve stopped.  I’ll get caught up in the stress ofthe day to day “busy-ness” of the “business” I need to be doing – whether for my clients, my firm, my volunteer efforts, my family, my children….oh, and groceries, the dog…..  And then I beging to think that this collective to-do list has become more important than the practice I was trying to turn into a habit of self-care.  (Wouldn’t that be great – to be SO GOOD at taking care of yourself that it could be called a “habit”)???

It turns out I am not the only one.  Local author Darby Rae recently blogged about a similar issue involving daily affirmations.  She lists time-honored tips in this post about using affirmations to create the future of your dreams.  It is a fantastic reminder of the method of affirming your goals that works.

So, while you make your holiday preparations, take time for you. Before all of the “busy-ness” takes over.

However, it was our introductory comments that struck me the most.

Several women in the room were moms; all were working professionals and all owned their own businesses. And everyone said she was exhausted. Now, we all walk around saying we are tired, too busy, etc. But this group pegged the meter on fatigue: and the ways we talked about getting rest demonstrate the level of burnout. One woman said she wanted to “get a little bit sick” to have an excuse to miss work. Another said if she could just “go to jail,” she’d be assured to get enough rest, be left alone, and have 3 square meals a day. Someone else said the anesthesia from elective surgery might be a way to get some rest.

Are you reading this?

To our group, it seemed easier to serve hard time or go under the knife just to get rested. Talk about out of balance!!

I am delighted to report that we all worked through some of the issues we brought with us to the meeting and by day’s end had sorted out the things that were draining us. It reminded me, though, of how tired I was when taking care of my mom and others and how we need to make rest and rejuvenation a priority on a regular basis. That means that whether you are taking care of kids and parents or just one or the other, you still need time to restore your energy for yourself and for those under your care. (This applies to non-caregivers, too!)

And, I am told that jail food is not that tasty, anyway.

Proactive business planning is critical.

Whether you are taking these steps for yourself or guiding your parents or others through the proceess, here are some topics to consider:

• What is the corporate structure of your business?
• How do you plan to transition your business when you no longer want to run it, or are no longer able to do so?  (Will another family member run the company? Will you sell it, or close the doors?)
• What are the tax consequences  to the transition you have planned?
• If you would like the business to continue, do you have an adequeate cutomer pipeline, staffing, insurance, and other day to day necessities in place?
• Have you protected the assets of the company – including tangible assets and intangible assets (like trademarks and patents)?
• If the business operates on line, have you made arranngements for the transfer and maintenance of the domain name?

What other issues would you add to this list?  Proactive business planning can reduce stress down the road – which can be a big part of the balance we all seek as members of the sandwich generation.

So what can we do? We are not municipal planners (most of us, anyway).  In addition to taking good care of your network, consider the following:

Planning for your parents' housing can be a gift.

• Housing:  consider whether your current housing needs could accomodate an aging/ill parent in the future.  Do you have an extra bedroom – or a room that could be converted?  Is it on the main floor (so stairs would not be an issue)? Is there a full bathroom on the main floor as well? If not, consider whether rennovations would be possible;  likewise, if you move to a new home, look for these features. They might also serve to benefit you, not just your parents!  If you do not think that providing housing under your roof will be feasible, consider traditional assisted-living facilities, in addition to newer models (for Example, the “Emerson House” is a large 12-bedroom home staffed by its owners – providing assited living in a home environment.)
• Health care: what type of insurance do your parents have? Should you consider investing in long-term care insurance?  Note – some employers offer employees options to purchase long-term care insurance for the employees parents. 
• Social security, 401Ks, pensions:  how much does your parent anticipate receiving once he / she retires? Will this amount be sufficient?
• Activities:  consider outlets for your parents’ social needs – are they involved in church, temple or other religious organizations? Do they volunteer?  It could be helpful to imagine what life would look like if your parent was not well enough to live alone, but still healthy and active enough to want to socialize. How would you support that?
• Day to day care:  think about how you would provide day to day care for your parent. Are you home?  Is there long-term care insurance (see above)? While issues like this cannot always be solved ahead of time, it helps to consider and note options before you are forced to make a decision.

And finally, as I’ve mentioned before, have “the talk” with your parents.  Ask about wills, end of life preferences, funeral ideas.  Yes, it is hard.  But you might find that they are relieved if you bring it up.

Joe ultimately decides to stop by and see Joe – and does not place a bet.  However, while they are talking, the bookie describes chemo side effects while he debates whether to have the treatment.  He asks, “Can you imagine this face without eyebrows?”

This show brought up so many important issues:

• how to weigh the pros and cons of chemo treatment
• the emotional changes that accompany health care treatment
• the importance of a support sytem

There are others.  Of these three, though, the one that stood out the most for me was the third.  The bookie’s mother visited Joe at work to tell Joe that her son was ill.  Apparently he did not have many friends (occupational hazzard?) and she asked Joe to visit him at home.   Ultimately, Joe did.

But if the bookie (us/we) develop our support system before we get sick, we will be better off.  No matter our career choices, we have a duty to ourselves to surround ourselves with positive and caring friends and family in what I will call the ‘normal course of business.’  Make staying in touch with loved ones part of your daily life.  And support other people along the way.  That way, when you are the one facing an illness, your friends won’t hesitate to drive right over. (Hopefully, with a casserole.)

1.  Write it down.  I draw representations and diagrams of all of my responsibilities, to scale.  It’s not fancy, but it works. I just draw circles (they remind me of the “spinning plates” analogy) for all of my areas of responsibility. It helps me to see what I have going on, what I can get help with, let go of, and sort out.

2.  Outsource what you can. I’ve said this before and I continue to live by this truth. It really is worth $25 to have someone else mow your lawn. And in this economy, you have a good chance of finding a college student to help you.  There are delivery services for nearly everything you can imagine, and not just in New York and L.A.  A little searching on line will do you a world of good.

3.  Think creatively. Try to step back and think of the options you truly have to “get it all done.”  You have more resources at your fingertips than you might think, but it takes a little perspective to see them sometimes.

4.  Note all of the things you already ARE getting accomplished, and allow yourself to feel good about that.

5.  Don’t fall prey to others’ opinions.  When people say “I don’t see how you get it all done,” just be happy that you are capable and resourceful. It’s easy to start doubting yourself — DON’T.

Remember that you are remarkable!

My answer was: repitition.  What I meant is this – the more you talk about something, the more likely it is that you will be able to see the humor or even the downright absurdity in the situation.  Take losing your hair during chemo.  That can range from a devastating part of treatment for some cancer patients to a way to laugh for others.  Or it can be both.  But once you feel the sadness and grief, it might be possible to turn it into something funny and light.  Mom did that – giving my son a rainbow colored wig to wear when she purchased her own.  It helped to break the ice surrounding this part of her treatment, and it helped him cope with her new appearance. We also named her wig “Katie,” because we thought it looked like Katie Couric’s hair.  Who knows if it really did – but it helped us laugh.

McLean and Kiki wear their new wigs! (9/4/07)

This strategy can work for tougher issues, too.  In our situation, we talked about the funerals, the “afterlife,” and how to go on.  We dealt with the tangible issues – the logistics and Mom’s preferences.  Then we were able to lighten up a little and laugh.

It doesn’t always work.  Sometimes we are simply too overwhelmed with grief, and that is ok.  If you think you can sneak a little fun into an otherwise sad and burdensome situation, though, it’s worth trying.

How do you find  humor in your caregiving (or care receiving) situation?

It might be time to spring clean our sense of balance in our lives.

How will you spring clean your sense of work/life balance this year?

OPEN Forum published an article today on how to avoid work/life balance blunders.  While not directed to the sandwich generation specifically, it still contains helpful information about how to accept life when work/life balance is elusive.  There is no better example of a work/life balance out of whack than a full time professional with small children seeking to serve a parent or another adult as a full-time caregiver as well.  Acceptance of the reality of the situation (at least at some level) is vital; only then can you tackle the logistics and day to day care-taking required.

Another benefit of this article, however, is how to engage in re-entry. It can be surprising to wake up and realize that you do not have to go to the hospital/hospice/take care of Mom/Dad today.  Ironically, you’ll wonder what to do with yourself. In some ways, getting back to your “real life” after the intense care-giving time has passed (either because the care receiver has recovered or passed on) is itself an intense challenge.  While your family and your clients are ready and willing to fill the void of time left in your life, you may need to process the emotions before you can be comfortable with the transition.   This article contains well thought-out suggestions worthy of reflection as you re-calibrate your life, both at a high level and on a day-to-day basis.

How do you maintain balance as a caregiver or former caregiver? What would you add to this list of blunders to avoid?